Well, I've reached a milestone in this pregnancy. I've reached the 18 week point. There's a lot of mixed emotions. Relief, anxiety, and even a bit of guilt. This pregnancy has been the polar opposite of my last. No bleeding, no reasons to worry, and at this point, no loss.
While I'm so thankful, I sometimes find myself asking why. Why couldn't everything have gone right the first time? Why did I have to lose Matthew Paul in order to have this precious baby?
If I'm being honest, it's been extremely difficult to bond with this baby. For several reasons. I think the biggest reason is that I was afraid to get excited until this point. I know that sounds cold. But I was so, so excited for Matthew Paul, even amidst all the problems I had. I really thought everything was going to be ok.
I find myself walking into prenatal appointments expecting to hear horrible news, even though I have no reason to. At the first appointment I went to, it took the midwife 3 or 4 minutes to find the heartbeat (that's a reaaaallly long time). I started grieving after the first minute passed. I started accepting that I had lost another baby. Thankfully, she was able to find it and it was very strong. But then, in between appointments, I feel anxiety creeping up on me. Convincing myself that I have lost the baby and didn't know it. I've been torturing myself and in turn, losing the joy that should come with expecting a baby!
I put too much trust in the gifts God has given me instead of putting my trust in God himself. Now that I'm past the 18 week point, I can see that very clearly. I'm realizing all over again that both of my babies' precious lives were/are/always will be in the hands of He who created them. As hard as it is to admit it, that's a much better place to be than in my hands! As much as I want to try to be in control, it's MUCH better for God to be in control.
Romans 8:28 says "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose". That means, no matter how this pregnancy ends, God is still in control, He still loves me, and He will work it for my good. Even in my grief, He still works things together for my good. Even in my depression, He still works things together for my good. It's easy to forget and wallow in my grief and depression. But even when I forget, He still works things together for my good! What a gracious and loving God we have.
So, even though I wasn't very good at remembering God's promises through the first half of this pregnancy, I pray that He will give me the grace to keep them in mind for the rest of it, and after.
