Lately, I feel as if I've taken a few steps back in my grief journey. I'm not entirely sure why. But I do think it probably has something to do with having depression already and pregnancy hormones. Whatever the reason, I believe I may be struggling with some PTSD symptoms. Namely flashbacks. Randomly remembering, in excruciating detail, the most upsetting "scenes" from my loss. Painful, short memories play over and over again in my head until I force them out. It's almost as if my head is a projector and my eyes are the screen. All I can feel are the painful memories, and it's extremely overwhelming. Little things trigger them and there's no telling what will.
That being said, I feel the need to write down my latest flashback in the form of poetry. I never really write or read poetry, but it seems to be the most appropriate way to express how I feel and what is going on in my head.
Because You Were Dying
I lay there, exposed
Being prodded and poked
Hoping for the best,
Yet knowing in my mind it was the worst
You Were Dying
They put the ultrasound wand on my not-so-round belly
not round enough
To see if any of your home was left.
You were still, unmoving, yet not quite gone
but I knew
You Were Dying
They analyzed this
and took samples of that
Never saying you were gone
Yet I saw in the midwife's eyes that there was no hope
She knew that
You Were Dying
They put the doppler on my skin
listening for signs of life
130 BPM
Still there, still normal,
but slowing down
Because You Were Dying
She shook her head
and looked at me with such pity
"I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do"
My skin shattered like glass
I felt ice in my bones
I pleaded with God
at the top of my voice
to take me with you
Because You Were Dying
The cruel irony of being surrounded by life-saving equipment
in a hospital
and none of it could help you.
The crushing weight of reality
making my heart shatter
and my lungs burst
Knowing I'd never see you cry
or laugh or grow up
or just be alive.
Because You Were Dying
and I remember.
