What Not To Say

As February 26th (Matthew Paul's due date) approaches, I find that he is on my mind more than ever. I think about how I should be looking right now. 9 months pregnant, big as a house, waddling along. How I wish that were the case. While I am so thankful for this new pregnancy, Matthew will never be replaced. There will always be a hole in my heart. I'm still mourning his short life, almost 5 months later, though the pain isn't as sharp.

I'm grateful that I had so much support in my time of need. So many people, even people
I didn't know, were so willing to make us dinner, send me words of encouragement, get me out of the house, or just listen. I will always appreciate those people.

However, there were a few things that were intended to be helpful, but in the end were quite the opposite. If you ever find that someone in your life is going through a miscarriage (no matter how far along she is), please avoid saying the things below.

1.) "You can always have other babies/At least you have other children." Think about this for a second. Would you say this to someone who lost their two year old? Or their teenager? Of course not. I look forward to having more children, I really do. And I'm excited to be pregnant now. But this baby is in no way "replacing" the one I lost. I mourned HIS life because I loved him.

2.) "Miscarriages are God's way of telling you there was something wrong with the baby." I was told this more than once, and each time I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing. First of all, in my case, there was nothing wrong with the baby. He was perfectly healthy and growing as he should've been. It was my body that couldn't get it together. Secondly, even if there was something wrong, do you think I'd love him less? That I'd rather have a dead baby than a baby with a disability? I would've gladly taken home a living baby that had autism, or Down's Syndrome, or that was missing a few toes than leave the hospital empty-handed. Please never, ever say this.

3.) "Sometimes God takes the babies that are too perfect for this world." This is pretty much the opposite of #2, but still unhelpful. It's like some strange, morbid compliment. It's a very fluffy, wishy-washy thing to say to someone in mourning.

4.) "I know how you feel. I had an abortion and I really regret it." This was never actually said to me, but a friend of mine. Abortions are never the same. An abortion is a choice; a miscarriage is never a choice. There's a time and a place to express these feelings, but it is never to someone who miscarried.

What should you do or say?

Listen.
Ask how you can help.
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"I'm praying for you."
Only ask "How are you doing?" if you want a true answer. Be prepared for the truth; it may not be nice.

These are things that have been on my mind lately. Please know that I am so thankful for all the kind, helpful words I received. These are just a few things that hurt rather than helped.