Phantom Kicks

There are so many painful emotions raging inside me. Every time I wake up I remember. It wasn't just a bad dream. This is my life and it's honestly horrible right now.

I think about eating. When you're pregnant, everything you eat is so important. All those nutrients fuel the growth of your baby. Now I just feel like it's pointless. My husband reminds me to eat but in my head I'm thinking "For what? My baby is gone." I only feel like eating when I get so hungry I can't take it anymore.

I dread going to sleep. So many things I couldn't control happened in my sleep. When I would bleed, I would usually wake up covered in it. My water broke in my sleep. My precious son was born while I was sleeping. Sleep is terrifying.

My milk has started to come in. I'm doing everything I can to stop it but no matter how many cabbage leaves I put on myself, I'm stuck with the physical and emotional pain that comes with it. This was meant to feed my son. To help him grow.

I think the absolute worst thing is the phantom kicks. Or in my case, phantom flutters. I was never able to feel a strong kick. I wasn't far along enough. But I would feel these small flutters in my abdomen. I always got so excited and happy when they came. My husband would put his hand on my belly and try to feel them, though he was never able to. I wasn't far along enough yet. Now I get these flutters from time to time and my heart breaks every time. I read that a lot of women who lose their babies feel phantom kicks. I honestly don't know why they happen. It's cruel. It briefly sends me back to that hopeful time, only to remember immediately that there is no baby to cause the flutters.

I've loved seeing everyone who has visited me, though it's been getting exhausting. My husband has to go back to work on Thursday and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm very much in deep mourning and I'm scared.