Depression vs. Grief

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 13, though I remember feeling symptoms as early as age 10. I've mostly treated it with counselling and medication until I became pregnant. Then I weaned off my medication (even though it's considered safe for pregnancy) because I didn't want to cause my child more problems than they may already have.

So, for my entire pregnancy, I was very depressed. I know what those feelings are. Not wanting to get out of bed, not seeing the point of doing day-to-day activities, always having a heavy feeling in my heart. It's how it feels when you're wearing a heavy coat, but the weather is much too warm. A smothering feeling of sadness that comes and goes but never really leaves for good.

And then there's grief. Grief is a completely normal but painful process that pretty much everyone will experience at one time or another in their lives. It's missing who you've lost. Thinking about that person and wanting them back more than anything else in the world. Being angry and upset. Sometimes it's hard to see the difference between depression and grief.

Grief is when I look at the pictures of my son and weep. Depression is waking up every morning and wondering why I have to live another day without him.

Grief is looking at my belly and wishing that it had all been a bad dream. Depression is the little voice telling me "Why am I even eating? There's nothing in there to feed and take care of."

Grief is sleeping with my son's blanket and teddy bear at night. Depression is dreading going to bed every night knowing I have another day ahead of me that will be just as hard as the last.

This is just something that's been on my mind lately; I'm obviously not an expert. It just feels good to sort these things out in front of me.