The future is scary. Tomorrow marks two weeks since my water broke and since my son died. It almost feels like it happened forever ago, but at the same time I still can't believe it ever happened. I feel like I'm at a point where I don't know how to feel. On one hand, I want to be happy and plan for the future and get a job. On the other, I still want to be sad and sit around and cry.
I should have been 20 weeks along today. I wonder if I'm going to think about that every Thursday. Maybe after his due date (February 26th) it will stop. Maybe I'll be pregnant again. It almost seems too strange to think about that.
His pictures still make me cry. I'm almost worried for the day that I look at them and I don't cry. I want to remember him. I don't ever want to forget.
I've started individual counseling and group counseling. I always feel more upbeat after these sessions (which are both, incidentally, on Thursdays) but almost hollow? Like I've just shared a bunch of information and it feels great to get the weight off of my chest, but it also left a hole in my chest. After my counseling appointment today I felt like I was in a fog. I couldn't think straight and I felt like I really needed to take a nap. Maybe it's just being emotionally exhausted.
I don't really have much else to say. I know I have more life to look forward to. I just wish this part wasn't so confusing and sad.
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