It almost seems like things are back to "normal". The memorial service is over, parents are going back home, I even went to church today. I watched TV, ate dinner. Perfectly normal things to do. But when I look down at my belly, or look up at the shelf with all his pictures, I know I will never feel normal again. A week ago I was giving birth to my dead child. That's the farthest thing from "happy" or "normal" I can think of.
My heart feels so empty. I feel my grief come in waves during the day. Sometimes it almost feels like I'm happy again, but it doesn't last for long. Night time always brings everything back the pain.
This week was hard, but I almost think that this next week will be harder. I have an appointment with the midwife tomorrow to make sure there's no infection. My birthday is on Tuesday. People want to meet up and hang out. That's all great, but I guess that they're all unwanted signs that my life must go on without Matthew Paul. All I truly want is my baby back.
I know we want to try for another baby. And I honestly don't want to wait long to start trying. But I'm also terrified that I'll have to go through this all again. Not just miscarrying, but bleeding for weeks, never knowing if today is the day that I lose my baby. I just can't take it all again.
I can't say that I don't have a great support system, though. My mom and my husband have been so helpful, even when there's nothing they can really do. Mostly I just cry and they pat my head or hug me. But I guess that's all I need right now. Matt repeats 1 Thessalonians 4:13 to me constantly. " But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope."
That's all I can hold on to.
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